Dear Lonely Soul,

I thought I would write to you and let you know that I’ve been thinking of you this week. You see I know what it’s like to feel the way you do; I have been there. Of course our stories won’t be the same, but our hearts will have known the same sense of exclusion. That feeling you get of being alone in a room (or chat-room) full of people, I have felt this many times over too. I understand the sinking feeling of isolation and wondering if there is anyone who truly understands you. It is intimacy in friendship that you long for, not just surface conversation, but to have someone really ‘get you’ and be in your corner.

My own story stretches over the first three years of being a Pastor’s Wife and Youth leader, surrounded by people yet dying on the inside. I doubt many people outside of Tim and maybe my Mum would have known about it at the time. On the outside, I was connected and extroverted, on the inside it was a whole other story.

Take it from me, leadership can be very, very lonely; those people you see on the stage, they want authentic friendship too. The irony was that Tim and I were cultivating community on a weekly basis, trying to create a place where every teen could be known and belong. I loved connecting with the teens who most would consider on the ‘outer’, because I understood them; I never quite fit either.

Lonely heart, I know you are in your story right now. I know the crushing feeling, the ache in the heart that won’t go away; the desire to know and to be known is strong. To have people love you for your thoughts, not just your edited actions is so releasing.

I know what it’s like to have these heartfelt desires. Oh, how I know it. Ironically, you are not alone in your loneliness. It’s something that many people, regardless of their age, stage or location experience. It is surprisingly more common than we think.

I cannot walk your journey for you and the truth is that for many of you, I won’t even be able to walk it with you. I can’t not give you those relationships that you desire, but I will give you three thoughts from my ‘lonely years’ which might be helpful:

Persevere Lonely Soul

I had two people tell me this during my own three years of loneliness. Any time I felt the desperation overwhelming my soul, I would remind myself to persevere. I have a love/hate relationship with the word, because perseverance is not enjoyable or ‘sexy’, it is necessary. May it be your source of strength as it was mine.

Ask for a friend

The second thing I learnt was to ask for and keep looking for friends. I asked God over and over for friends whom I could be my true self with. It took a while for them to come, two years in fact from when I first asked, but eventually He brought me a Liz, and a Jess and a Bec. The perfect friends for that season. They become my life-line and I am still grateful for them to this day. Bizarrely I had already known these ladies for years, but it just seemed to be the right time for our friendship to change and become closer. I didn’t even realise they were there until God opened my eyes and I opened my heart. So if you currently believe in God or not I would encourage you ask Him, ask Him for friends today and I will ask for you as well.

You are not forgotten

One of the big lies is that you are invisible – both humankind and God have forgotten about you. Well that is not true, you are still seen even in this season. This post may be the very sign you need right now.

Lonely heart, God won’t stop talking to me about you, prompting me to pray for you, asking me to reach you through the screen and through your tears and say that YOU ARE SEEN. He wants you to know that He hasn’t forgotten about you and that he cares so much about your soul. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s ok to be different. Your ‘people’ are coming. Persevere.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

It is a difficult place you find yourself in and I can’t bring myself to offer empty platitudes as they won’t fill your heart. However, as someone who has been there I can offer you hope instead. In your loneliness today, you happened to read these words and I trust you realised that you are not alone. God (the universe or whatever) is reaching for you right now to lift your heart. I am praying for you and believing that God will bring people your way or open your eyes to undeveloped friendships. Persevere Lonely Soul as I did, this moment in time is not the sum of your whole life.

Love Jess xxoo

PS – This song (although old now) was one I used to sob to on repeat – it was God’s promise to me.