So, you gave it a go and it didn’t turn out how you wanted it to. It might be a good time to reflect together and get some perspective. I know, you may not feel like it because the disappointment is so fresh, but you can trust me with this. If you know me at all, you know I am for you and won’t dismiss or minimise how you feel.
Let’s acknowledge the crappy part of this situation and highlight the good parts if we can.
The Crappy
The hope you had, the dreams you invested in, the money you spent, the strategy you crafted, the feelings you shared… It didn’t work out. I’m so sorry to hear that, I really am. It’s hard to face the disappointments of life and although we can always ‘look for the good’, when people force it into your face feels like rubbing salt into a wound. Forced positivity takes away from all you invested, so we won’t do that. I will simply say…
This. Sucks.
It’s crap and it sucks and it’s ok to feel disappointed.
The Good
The realisation that sometimes bravery isn’t enough to get results is hard. Rather than delighting in a success that isn’t there, let us delight in your bravery. My brother once told me:
“Don’t focus on success, focus on what you learn”
It can be harder to see life’s lessons when you are staring into the face of disappointment, but when you are ready, searching for lessons is a great place to start processing what has happened. It can be one way to move forward; knowing that nothing is wasted. You took the step, you made the leap, you tried something new or tried again. You gave it a go, you spoke the words, you reached for more. You actually learnt a lot. You may have learnt more about yourself, you may have learnt how not to do something, but you did learn. You can learn from this disappointment.
So, let me encourage you to hold your disappointment and pain lightly in one hand and balance it with growth and learning in the other.
You should be proud of yourself for at least giving it a go. I know I am.
UUUUGGGHHHH! I can hear it in you already. Your friend just shared something with you and all the alarm bells are going off in your head. They have either told you about something you have already warned them not to do or they are making the same mistakes anew. It’s incredibly frustrating.
You are allowed to be frustrated.
I almost feel like creating a secret space for you to let it all out. A place where you don’t feel as though you are betraying your friend. Maybe you could call me up anonymously, vent to me and I’d nod my head and say “Yep, they are crazy” and then we’d hang up and you’ll feel better. 🙂
It’s so hard when you see friends making bad decisions, because you want to be there for them and let them know that they are making a huge mistake. What is a friend to do in those moments? Let’s look at the options.
Two options: Say something or say nothing.
Both of these options have positives and negatives and your preference will mostly depend on how you view your role and responsibility in friendships. Some of you will always say something, while others will always keep silent; whatever you chose is fine with me.
I find for my own personal sanity, my preference is to lead people through questions which challenge their thinking or motivations rather than pointing out obvious blunders. I’ve always felt that if people find the answers themselves, they are more likely to take it onboard. Honestly, no-one really likes to be told what to do. I’m probably more gentle than I should be at times, but that’s how I function best. I have tried it other ways and it usually didn’t turn out how I wanted it to.
No matter the style we adopt, we should always remember that whatever our friends go through, their decision to listen to us is not about us. We can’t control and never should control others – even if it would be easier at times. 🙂 I’m joking… I am not responsible for other people’s choices and I refuse to be. I have carried the imagined burden of responsibility and I ended up with heart palpitations, so I stay far away from that one now.
Regardless of what happens, remember that now is the time when you will demonstrate exactly what love looks like. You can love someone and disagree with their choices. You can also love someone and place a boundary around what you are willing to discuss with them. So how do you love them well and keep your own sanity?
Two Options: Stay close or love from afar
Let’s pretend you (or others) have spoken to your friend and they didn’t listen and it’s so very frustrating. Why do they keep you around if they don’t value what you say? It might actually hurt too much to see them blindly or willingly walk into a bad decision.
You can choose to keep the door open, keep the communication flowing so that if and when they fall, they know you are a safe place. This will take time, patience and a loose grip. You won’t be the one to say “I told you so”. If you get the urge, just call that frustrated friend line I mentioned before and tell it to me 😉 I’d nod and say “Yep, you were right”. I will then encourage you to hold onto you empathy and know your limitations.
As upbeat as the song above is, there can be certain friendships which push you beyond your limits. May I suggest, if you can no longer stand it anymore, that you can actually love someone from afar. You don’t have to stay up-close to witness the mess of their life. It doesn’t mean you have stopped loving them, it’s ok to step back… it really is. You may need to start the slow pull back because it’s too hard to watch as they blindly walk into more seemingly obvious pain. It is totally fine to step back and it can be very wise.
Sometimes to love a friend and look after yourself you need to stay, and sometimes you need to leave.
At the end of the day I know that your heart is good and you want the best for your friend (seriously, you are reading about friendship). Hold onto your love no matter what you do. Hit me up for an imaginary phone call and I’ll validate all your frustrations while you navigate the best way forward in your friendships. Trust your instincts on how to move forward. You’ve got this.
As countries continue to go into lockdown and people’s livelihoods are disappearing, it is a season of uncertainty for us all. I was speaking with a friend in the USA this weekend (via Instagram) and he said he was “trying to hold on and let go at the same time”. What wise words for us all to apply to our lives.
Letting go:
All of us will have things that we need to let go of at the moment and some of them are so very, very hard to do. They might be wedding plans, long awaited holidays, jobs and careers, personal dreams, new businesses, studying, fitness plans, financial goals… I honestly can’t name them all. There are so many ‘things’ that COVID-19 has impacted and we have all been impacted in one way or another. So today, why don’t you give yourself permission to mourn the things you need to let go of – mourn the things that can no longer be.
I suggest you allocate 20-30 minutes to write down the dreams/goals/plans in your life that are not longer possible and really be honest with how you feeling. Allow yourself to actually feel disappointed, angry, frustrated, depressed, sad or whatever. After that timing however, let’s do some letting go. If we are going to keep going, it’ll be easier if we aren’t holding onto things that are no longer a reality. The world has changed for the foreseeable future and it’s time for us to be resilient. You can do this; you can rise and rise again. You can let go of those hopes and dream and put others in their place. I will be doing the same. Our new dreams may look very different and not as ‘glamorous’ for a while, but having dreams/plans to look forward to is important for us all. Take a moment… let go with me. It is hard and almost unbelievable, but we are in this together. You are not alone; everyone will be faced with changes. Let them go dear friend. Even if you have tears in your eyes, take a moment to mourn and let them go.
Holding on:
As we are doing our ‘letting go’ now is also a time to ‘hold on’ more than ever before. Hold on to relationships, hold onto hope, hold onto self-compassion and hold on faith or beliefs. Hold on to the idea that you will survive this. Hold on dear heart. I will be honest and say that I have moments during the day when I think ‘Is this really happening?’ I feel sadness as I look at the lives lost, the virus spreading, people without work, nations shutting down – it is the reality of what is happening. But I don’t stay in that place. Instead I hold onto my faith in God and my belief in the extraordinary ingenuity and endurance of the human race.
Today I am holding onto the people I love, messaging them words of hope or sending them funny memes to lighten their day. I am being more intentional about my connections, not necessarily in quantity but in quality. I am also treasuring and being mindful of the the moments I find joy and sharing them with others. Today I am holding onto hope, hope for a cure, hope for a breakthrough and good news. Today I am holding onto self-compassion and realising that sometimes I will feel strong, while other times weak and that is ok. Lastly, I am holding onto my personal faith. Faith in a God who cares for us, who hears us, who has empowered us and loves us without measure.
What are you holding onto today? Just like our letting go exercise, why don’t you write them down and spend some time focusing on the things that are your strength today? When you feel down, remind yourself of what you are holding onto.
As things around the world continue to unfold, we will be letting go and holding on at the same time. Both are equally important particularly in moments of such rapid of change. Take a breath, take a moment, you are doing so well.
Love Jess xxoo
PS – I’ve been spending time on a live dance party on Instagram by DJ dnice (click on his name for link to his profile). Although I know nothing about him, he plays great music and it’s honestly a lot of fun having a virtual party with about 100k people. Things really go off when he does a hat change 🙂
Intermission (noun). A pause or break. A period during which action temporarily ceases; an interval between periods of action or activity.
Have you ever had a season in your life when you feel like everything is on pause? It might be caused by illness, a career break, a bad decision or a change in social situations, but whatever the reason it can be incredibly frustrating. It can feel like you’re in a holding pattern just waiting for your life to re-start. I know because I have been there a few times myself.
Say it with me “I’m in an intermission.” When those thoughts of uncertainty, and the feelings of being forgotten or left behind come creeping in, just remind yourself that this is only temporary. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it is. Everyone has ‘intermission’ moments in their lives and despite being uncomfortable they aren’t necessarily a bad thing.
For the audience, an intermission builds anticipation for what’s to come in the acts to follow
– Sue Brickey
If you feel you are enduring an intermission in your life, let me encourage you to see it as an opportunity to reflect. For Christians it’s a time to trust and draw closer to God as Psalm 62:5-8 shows us how it’s done. It’s a forced pause for you to take stock of what you want in life and what your values are. It’s an opportunity to change the next scene in your life. If you don’t like what happened in the past, it’s time for change. If the past was great, it’s time for stepping up into something bigger and better or trying something completely different. I know for me, the way I see life’s intermissions has always determined what the next ‘act’ looks like and how well I make it through.
As long as we don’t check-out, things will get moving again eventually and a new act or season will start. This interruption to your life, might just be exactly what you didn’t realise you needed.
“I’m at an intermission in my life. I’m looking forward to what will come next.
I’m just at a pause. So it’s alright, it’s not over yet.”
– Author unknown
Love Jess xxoo 